Pilgrimage to my World

Petrified

2011-10-20T18:29:00.000-07:00

I want to feel the sorrow but my heart fails me
I want to shout but my lungs disobey
I want to cry but my eyes are shut
I want to stab myself but my skin has grown tough.

Have I become heartless?
Have I turned wicked?
Have I lost my humanity?
Has my sanity gone astray?

Punch me and you’ll only break your arm
Harass me and I’ll only laugh at you
Praise me and you’ll hear a grunt
Smile at me you’ll see my face blunt.

I am no longer the man I used to be
My emotions, the winds of time vanished
I am but a rock, strong as it can be
A rock I turned into, a rock soon I will perish

But somewhere under the stars the key to my soul lies
The heart that’s been wounded shall heal
The spirit that was broken shall be reborn
When the light of the Lady shines on.

Back to My First Love

2010-09-27T10:27:00.001-07:00

Okay, I’m writing again. And I promise that I’ll make it a struggle to be able to bring myself to writing something, even at least twice a week. It’s not that I don’t have time, or that I’m out of thoughts, I guess I’m just being lazy.

Writing is my first love – or maybe I’m just forced to love it. First of all I’m fat since birth so you don’t expect me to do well in sports. Second is that we’re poor so instead of working my spare time on some hobbies, I have to help with most of the house chores as well as do some tasks for our neighbors in exchange for some cash. And the list goes on; I’m done with self pity so let’s get over with it. What really get me into writing are those essay-type questions during exams – something that I did quite well. I really loved essays that I wished all exams will be done that way (I think I got my wish since I got to solve Mathematical equations on three pages of yellow pad). High school isn’t so much of a challenge but when I went to college, I got my baptism of fire through the school paper. It is then that I realized that I really could write, and that I’m good at it – because I’m not good at basketball, or debate, or dancing or singing. Honestly, I just love sharing my thoughts, my ideas, and my daydreams, and since I am not good at talking about them, I resorted to writing about them.

Writing, for me, is a way of sharing my present, reminiscing my past, and envisioning my future. I have my shares of experiences, good and/or bad, and I want to impart them for people to learn from them. I have my sufferings and sacrifices and I want to express them just to lighten the burden that they cause. And the best of them all is that I have an idea of what I wanted to be and where I wanted to go and I want to share that dream. Again, I’m not good at expressing them in any other way except writing.

I’m not really sure where does this leads me to, but I hope I’ll be able to write about something most of the time. I have lots of things in my mind and I want to let them out to give way for some new thoughts. Not that I consider a career in writing, but who know where the tides leads me. So, expect another article next week. If there’s none, please remind me through SMS or email, and if you’re just around the corner, hit me in the head. Alhamdulillah!

Trailblazer

2010-09-26T18:58:00.001-07:00

When I ride the thunders roar
…the majestic mountain I conquer,
…the mighty wind before me surrenders
In the brightest of day and the darkest of night I soar
‘Til the ends of the earth I pedal.
‘til there is land to drive and seas to paddle
Hard may the roads will be, wide may the rivers it seem
My mind and my spirit in unity will scream
I am a trailblazer
I am a mountain biker.

Stranger

2010-08-21T06:06:00.001-07:00

At the start there was a stranger
One with bright eyes and curly hair
She's interesting but why would I bother
When I myself is a stranger in blue water.

Yes, I'm a stranger in a path I dare traverse
One I know has no detour and no reverse
Cyberspace has become my passion in this wide universe
So of I go in blood, sweat, and tears.

Never knowing, you traveled with me
In the vastness of the world we ride with glee
Mountains and rivers, the sun and the moon we see
For strangers as we are, we are doomed to be.

Uncertainty, lifelessness, and emptiness I felt before
Now in me resides no more
Vision that was black and white, now shimmers with color
The stranger is now a princess in beauty and glamour.

Now it's clear before my very eyes
That I ride with a princess in disguise
On my knees I fall with wolves hearing my cries
Yet in godliness and compassion she helps me rise.

Now our journey is almost over
Yet I am about to discover
And I know I could never recover
From falling for her forever.

Her Loveliness, Her Highness, Her Majesty
My Life, My Love, My Lady.

Adieu

2010-06-28T15:05:00.001-07:00

You came when life is stark,
With you comes that magic spark,
Life will not be the same again,
‘coz hope and faith, in us, you help regain.

Time passes by...
rivers flow,
trees grow,
flowers blossom,
and friends come and go.

And if you go...
who will be there for us in time of trouble?
who will be there with us on curtain call?
who can we turn to when darkness fall?

If you leave...
leave now so we can forget,
the agony you'll so long beget,
meeting you we shall never forget,
for you give us love and kindness so sweet.

*Composed at my station (dmgt-ra-03)

06/25/2010

Angel of Mine

2010-06-27T16:46:00.000-07:00

It was no big deal the first time we met

They said you are our mentor and tormentor

Each passing time engulfed with pleasure, humor and terror

But there was something then I could hardly forget

The smile and the eyes that make my hear melt.

…but for you it’s no big deal then

When you could easily break the hearts of men.

Time passed by and I thought you are history

Someone I could think of out of memory

But you stayed in me I could not imagine

An emotion my hear keeps wondering why it so happned

Oh my Lord…here it comes again.

…but then again, for you it’s no big deal

When all the wounds my heart bears, you silently heal.

I thought of running away just as I always do

To escape the mere thought of falling for you

To wake up from a dream I succumbed into

But your charm by now has work its way

My life will never be the same again each day

…so for me then, it’s a big deal

That my life, for all its misery, is touched by an Angel.

A loser even more

2008-05-31T10:09:00.001-07:00

it sounds so weary, the way the words are spoken, the way it is phrased, the way it strikes me. Good Lord, what could have happened. So there am i again, acting a fool, a stupid. why can't i just let her go? why can't i learn from the past? Why is it hard to wake up to the grim reality that from the very beginning, you have no chance? Why? Why? Why?

Now i know, the greatest pain is not when she rejects you, not when you you're pushing your luck and expecting the possibility of failure, it's when she come's to you, teary-eyed, and you're such a damned fool to think that this is it, you're such damned stupid fool to think that she's coming to you when in the long run or in the end, you're still her friend. Loser as you are, you are doomed to be, and at the end of the day, you're still a loser, even more.

My Angels

2008-05-31T10:08:00.002-07:00

It was a familiar scenario, my younger siblings rushing towards me, delighted to see their runaway brother (no, am not a black sheep, i'm justliving by myself, living, studying surviving). The truth is, I went home because i need to go to our neighboring municipality to gather data for our project in Systems Development and Documentation. But I love it, children rushing at you (as if you are the popular Santa Klaus minus the beard, the gifts and the red, white and black get-up) and screaming "Manonnngggg."

We are a very big family of eleven (not to mention my other half bros and sis on my naughty father's side), a big children of unemployed parents. I have learned to struggle since elementary and I'm proud but sad, to say that I live by myself. This is partly (maybe largely) the reason why i'll be staying for seven years in college, thinking and coming up with a decision of which to feed first, my brain or my stomach. Worst among worst of all these is when my brother, who promised to finance the education of our younger siblings, got "married."

Let's end the drama, I'm afraid i might not be able to finish this with the above scenario. So, what's keeping me up to here? What gives me the will and the strength to move on despite all these blows?

Simply, my cute angels. They are largely the reason why I'm here, (being able to write this blog), standing still and walking tall. It's like they're whispering in my ear saying "Manong you got to do your best for us" or as if saying "Manong, no matter how big you are, we will and we can carry you." Just a taught of them and the candle in me will transform into a blowtorch, an inspiration driving me to the highest level of passion and enthusiasm i could imagine. In fact, they are the reason why I'm feeling the morbid fear of failure. I guess it's just me, a lover of kids, or maybe this is God's plan, a very big inspiration for a very big problem - "balans of natyur."

On the Brink

2008-05-31T10:08:00.001-07:00

"I wish death is the answer to all the problems, i wish suicide can justify all the pains and sacrifices. I wish taking mylife isn't a sin."

From the looks of it, those words comes the mouth a frustrated person, a self-obsessed, self-righteous, self-proclaimed, stupid person. After thinking that he is the greatest person to dwell in this world, and in the long run waking up to the reality that he is nothing but a small particle of of matter that makes up the earth's mass, who wouldn't say those words. After presuming to have a knowledge of everything, and in the end failing answer even a very simple question concerning his field of study, who wouldn't utter those words. On the other hand, words like that also comes from a person who after long years of living a solitary, miserable and uncertain life, still, ends up to nothing. It sucks and it agonizes knowing that you're still who you are several years ago.

Why i know all these? Those words are mine.

When Will You Graduate

2008-05-31T10:07:00.001-07:00

“When will you graduate?”

There it is again, the question of the decade. The question so easy to be answered by anybody yet so hard for me, so hard that it could blow my sanity off. For goodness sake, why don’t you just choose another question such as how much I have learned or what can I do?

I was supposed to graduate last year, batch 2006. I enrolled at Negros Oriental State University (Central Visayas Polytechnic College then) last 2001 after two agonizing years of staying out of school. I took up Secondary Education not that it interested me but because I don’t have any other options in mind when I took the entrance exam. A year after, I shifted to Information Technology (IT) and still not because I found it interesting but because our dean then, left me with no other option. Luckily, IT offered me a terabyte of exciting adventures. I learned about programming, graphics design and desktop puiblishing (courtesy of my affiliations with the school paper and the yearbook and my “Jedi” guru), web design, troubleshooting, computer games, etc. The cyberspace became my niche to the point that the only mobile part of my body are my hands gleefully rested on the mouse and keyboard. Both relaxation and enjoyment for me then, is facing the computer and doing all the things that you can do until your eyes are so tired you succumb to a dumb state they call sleep. I was restless then, restless and obsessed with a companion you can call both a monster and a machine, both you can consider a blessing and a curse. Until I found out how much time I have wasted, so to say, that I realized that the people who were once with me are now ahead of me.

My experience or undertaking with Information Technology as a student was supposed to be a nap as I journey towards success. The nap became a deep sleep creating a gruesome dream, yet I dreaded to end if I wake myself up. So I let myself be carried with my so-called “sleep.” Then the question comes again, “When will I graduate?”

I have no intention to answer that question for I am uncertain of the answer despite the fact that I spent a quarter of a century in this world. But let me justify myself, like an accused being allowed to present evidences to prove his claim of innocence. I have reasons too. First is that I am a self-supporting student. I live by my own, work by my own and study by my own. I have a family, yes, but everybody in our neighborhood, for sure, know that they cannot afford to send me to college, not even to support my allowance or my boarding house rental. There are other guys out there who are in the same situation as mine, but this is different just as everything in this world, as explained by science, is unique. So why I engulfed myself so much with IT instead of keeping focus on the requirements of my course or of my studies is that, I want to learn something, and most importantly, to earn in order to eat something. This is the case of which to feed first, your stomach or your brain. You know my answer. My second and last reason is that God has a plan for everything, not even the smallest event in our lives is an accident or a matter of destiny. As Rick Warren puts it “history is His story.” Now I sound like more of an experienced preacher rather a newbie writer, but I firmly believe this is doing. One of my mentors told me “it’s not God’s will to have you stay seven or probably eight year in college, but rather your will.” Probably, but had I graduated with batch 2006, I wouldn’t have learned any programming language, had I finished earlier, I wouldn’t have encountered this mentor who inspired and guided me to learn a lot about Information Technology. Yes, this is my will, empowered by God’s will.

I don’t know if I could graduate next school year, I even opened myself to the possibility that if I could not, one of my instructors next year could be one of my classmates now. But I’m proud to say that learned something, not just from the books and from the ROMs and RAMs of computer but also from the hearts and minds of people, from our lives. I know somebody (a lot of them I’m sure) will ask me the when-will-you-graduate question again, this time I’m going to answer it:

“March.”

Daddy

2008-05-31T10:06:00.001-07:00

I'm so fond of imagining or shall we say daydreaming. When i am at rest, when i'm travelling, when about to go to sleep, anywhere, anytime, daydreaming has become a habit. But there is something that's puzzling me every time i succumed into the world of imagination, it's the word "daddy."

I wonder what's with that word, I don't know what is its relation with my daydreams or with my life. Despite missing my father who is not always with us in my childhood and adolescent days, I am already used to a solitary way of life (but not of course with those of monks or hermits). But then, the word "daddy" gives me another view about my life. It somewhat reunited my grim past and my uncertain future. It makes me think of raising my own kids and not following the footsteps of my father. I surely miss a lot out of childhood, now I want to make it up through my future, being a future DADDY.

Passionate Dreamer

2008-05-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

Zestful since the day we’ve met
A day after another I could never forget
Rushing through my veins and bone
A feeling unknowingly has grown
Hope and happiness have finally come to light
Love that was feared like whispers of the night
Only if I’m handsome like others do
Undoubtedly, I would have courted you
In spite of this misfortune that lived me
Still I believe that hope there may be
Every night and every day I frequently pray
Gracious God would hear my plea someday
Until the end of my life I will remember
A goddess whose beauty and goodness I want bear
Reaching out for luck may take us apart
Nothing can diminish your memory from my heart
Enchanted by the charm and beauty you posses
Surely you are a blooming vision of loveliness.